Darkness

Illustration by Ale Diaz (me)

A mind without a purpose is a dangerous thing.

I always look forward to weekends. Now when a long weekend is coming up like the one we just had, I start making preparations since the beginning of the week to celebrate. That is, in the perfect world in my mind.

However when weekends come I find myself with a lot of free time on my hands and a minimal level of commitment and responsibility to others. Instead of relaxing and spending some self earned time, I feel a darkness closing in on me.

For those who have suffered of either depression or anxiety, you know exactly which darkness I am talking about. For depression it is like a labyrinth, with endless tunnels and the more you walk it the more you get lost in it. For anxiety it is like a darkness inside a tiny room, where the walls just keep getting tighter and tighter around you until you can't seem to breath.

Sometimes during weekends and long weekends I feel these types of darkness and in trying to protect myself I mistakenly shelter myself into darkness itself like a hermit crab on its shell. Deeper and deeper I go leaving only my sharp edges on the outside for the people that come in contact with me. Unfortunately my relationships suffer. Unfortunately I hurt the ones I love the most, and then I beat myself up about it for days to come.

A mind without a purpose is a dangerous thing and it will self destruct.