THURSDAY: Being very human
Today I am not the machine. On the contrary, I am experiencing being extremely human by having to deal with a colorful explosion of intense emotions.
It all started a little before last night, having a normal and healthy amount of domestic disputes with my hubby. There was an intense moment last night when, as I was about to sit down with Omar for dinner, I realized I was out of rice-cakes!
I had asked Omar to get more rice-cakes and he forgot, but I did not blame him. However I could not help but feel an intense frustration in the middle of my chest. I put on my jacked, grabbed my keys and decided to go get my rice-cakes. I have never done this before, especially when dinner was already served and after a long day at work.
I went to 3 different convenient stores within 2 blocks of my house and I couldn't find any rice-cakes. So I took a 15 minute walk to the grocery store to go get my damned rice-cakes.
As I was walking, I kept upsetting and obsessing about this. All for a ridiculous 35-calorie, crunchy sensation that I could not imagine my dinner without.
Since then, I have been experiencing various negative emotions flaring at different intensities: anger, frustration, sadness, emotional tiredness, etc.
I guess the mind has seized an opportunity to scream at me a little bit. It feels so weird because I have managed to keep a good leash around this crazy dog-of-emotions since October. I hadn't realize how well under control I have had them for the past 8 months since I lost that control a couple of times since yesterday.
On another note, it surprises me how people lately just assumed that I have always looked jacked and worked out at such intensity, like I was actually born like this! They almost don't believe me that I was overweight and depressed and I went through a lot of work to be this way, both mentally and physically.
They are also surprised when they see me tired, or a little bit quiet, or with a tear on my eyes and they are quick to point that out. I guess they forget that I am human too. I guess they are trying to idealize me and separate what they see in me from them, making it impossible for them to achieve the same thing that I have, therefore creating a reason for not trying or listening to me when I say that they can have this for themselves as well.
I am human, and I hurt too. I think I am hurting a bit today.
Moving on and on with what's next.....
It all started a little before last night, having a normal and healthy amount of domestic disputes with my hubby. There was an intense moment last night when, as I was about to sit down with Omar for dinner, I realized I was out of rice-cakes!
I had asked Omar to get more rice-cakes and he forgot, but I did not blame him. However I could not help but feel an intense frustration in the middle of my chest. I put on my jacked, grabbed my keys and decided to go get my rice-cakes. I have never done this before, especially when dinner was already served and after a long day at work.
I went to 3 different convenient stores within 2 blocks of my house and I couldn't find any rice-cakes. So I took a 15 minute walk to the grocery store to go get my damned rice-cakes.
As I was walking, I kept upsetting and obsessing about this. All for a ridiculous 35-calorie, crunchy sensation that I could not imagine my dinner without.
Since then, I have been experiencing various negative emotions flaring at different intensities: anger, frustration, sadness, emotional tiredness, etc.
I guess the mind has seized an opportunity to scream at me a little bit. It feels so weird because I have managed to keep a good leash around this crazy dog-of-emotions since October. I hadn't realize how well under control I have had them for the past 8 months since I lost that control a couple of times since yesterday.
On another note, it surprises me how people lately just assumed that I have always looked jacked and worked out at such intensity, like I was actually born like this! They almost don't believe me that I was overweight and depressed and I went through a lot of work to be this way, both mentally and physically.
They are also surprised when they see me tired, or a little bit quiet, or with a tear on my eyes and they are quick to point that out. I guess they forget that I am human too. I guess they are trying to idealize me and separate what they see in me from them, making it impossible for them to achieve the same thing that I have, therefore creating a reason for not trying or listening to me when I say that they can have this for themselves as well.
I am human, and I hurt too. I think I am hurting a bit today.
Moving on and on with what's next.....
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